Girls Guide to Miscarriage

**I found this post in my drafts and as I read through it, I decided I still really wanted to post it! Miscarriage is something you'll carry with you forever, so even though I feel like I have moved on, and I'm in a much better place now, I still want to share my thoughts and advice on how to handle this difficult time! This post was written probably just a few weeks after I found out I was miscarrying.**


There doesn't really seem to be a sure-fire way of getting yourself through a miscarriage, but I wanted to share some things I learned that really helped me make it through this last month as I've dealt with the loss of my pregnancy. Keep in mind that i'm just trying to be lighthearted, not offensive! Some of these things seem silly and unnecessary, but I truly believe they all made the last several weeks bearable for me.

#1: don't do anything alone. devin came with me to every single blood draw but one. and the one he missed, i asked my sister in law to come with me. i'm really terrible with needles and doctors and blood - all of it makes me really uncomfortable. having devin there to hold onto while i got poked made it much easier, and chloe was very distracting when she came, which was a huge help! it was nice to have physical moral support in those situations. i would have hated to go alone, even after they became such a regular thing. it's hard to ask for help, but in this situation, i'm glad i did.

#2: do absolutely whatever you have to do to feel better, cheer up, and be more comfortable. this is a pretty broad one, but i had lots of examples of this. first of all, i took as much time off work as i needed. my work was pretty understanding for the most part (there were a few problems i ran into, but that will be different for everyone's situation so i won't go into it). i stayed home. i didn't shower, i didn't get ready, i didn't put makeup on, i didn't change out of my pajamas. i made the decision to focus on resting. i wasn't doing this to mourn, i did it so i could rest. and i'm so glad i did. miscarriages are extremely, so i slept whenever i could, for as long as i possibly could. and then there's the day i wore my wedding shoes to the doctor's office. it's the little things.

#3: be conscious of your company. i loved having McKayla and Chloe come up and bring their cute kids. it was such a perfect distraction. and even when they came without their kids, it was so nice to have company. if i was sleeping, i wanted to be alone, but if i was awake, i didn't like being alone. devin was in the thick of opening a climbing gym so his schedule didn't have a lot of room to take time off, and having other people around made me feel better. benny was so funny with these headphones on. i loved having him and scarlett around to keep my mind off everything. on the same note: don't feel bad asking people to leave! company can wear you out quickly, and if you've felt your friends and family have overstayed their welcome, politely tell them you'd like some rest or some time to yourself. they'll understand!

 

#4: say yes. i'm usually a pretty independent person, and i don't like people going out of their way to help me or do things for me. it makes me feel like a project or a burden. but in this situation, i knew i couldn't do it alone, so when people offered to visit or do things for me, that i was comfortable with, i let them. i didn't want to leave my house much, and i didn't want to be around people i couldn't feel comfortable with, but outside of those stipulations, i let people help me. and i'm glad that i did. the visits, the small gifts, the meals, the drives... they all made a difference. i needed that kind of support. your family and friends won't know what to say, but they'll know that being there for you is enough.

 

#5: don't neglect your kids. hahaha this is the crazy dog mom coming out of me, but i think the same goes for if you already have children, and you've experienced a miscarriage. cooper has always been able to read us pretty well. we can tell when something is wrong, and he always gets a little sad and snugly when i'm sick or upset. he was by my side the entire time i was home, off work. poor guy! just because i was cooped up in the house, i didn't want Coop cooped up, too! we made sure we took him to the park and he still got his fill, even though we were going through a lot! look how sweet and sad he is, haha. i love this dog so much.

#6: don't expect people to know what to say. and honestly, don't take offense if they say something that you wish they wouldn't have. miscarriages happen so often, but they're never talked about! i don't know why, but that makes it this weird, taboo thing, that nobody really knows how to handle. so no, nobody is going to know what to say to make you feel better. and that's okay. chances are, they're going to try, and they'll probably screw up and say something that stings a bit (for example, the "at least you know you can get pregnant!"....), but just know they are trying to help you feel better, not hurt your feelings. keep an open mind. if you have to, tell people not to talk to you about it. or just be honest and tell them that you don't want to hear things like that right now, even if they may be true. this one's a personal thing you'll have to figure out on your own what works best for you.

#7: talk about it. the second i decided to share my experience on social media, i immediately felt 100x times better. i had felt so alone and like such a minority, but as soon as i shared my story, so many friends and people i knew came to me and shared similar experiences and just said nice things to me, and i can't even tell you what a difference it made. and also, the connections i made with friends and strangers!!! that's something i'll always be grateful for. a few weeks after my miscarriage, i came across the blog post of a girl who had also miscarried, and we began exchanging emails back and forth about our experiences and honestly, talking through it with her and hearing what it was like for her was such a relief! i had a friend! someone who really knew exactly how i felt! it was amazing. so don't be afraid to share your story, you'll be surprised what good you can do for yourself, and for others!

#8: stay religiously on top of your pain. i think it's common knowledge that there is physical pain associated with miscarriage, and i think that physical pain ranges for every woman, but there is pain! in some cases, a doctor may prescribe you something for it, in others, you're left on your own. i was taking a rotation of ibuprofen, tylenol, and asprin to keep my body on it's toes, so it didn't get complacent with anything, and i was taking it within a half hour of the allowed dosage suggestion on each bottle, each time. it's a hassle to take meds around the clock, which is why i mention this, because it's worth it. i also spent most of the time laying down, usually on a hot pad, to help relax my muscles as they contracted and cramped. i also took a small hot rice pack with me in the car (or turned on the seat heater) whenever we drove anywhere.

#9: give yourself a brake. don't force any emotion on yourself. i was a little all over the place, and my emotions seemed to change every few minutes, but i just followed them. i would be crying one second and laughing the next, and i just did whatever felt best for me in that moment, and i'm glad i did. i think it helped me heal faster than if i would have pushed myself to move on, or even held myself back with grieving. the day we found out about the miscarriage, devin and i cried at first, but then noticed how ultimately calm we felt. we didn't cancel our weekend plans (keep in mind, this was mostly before the pain set in!), and we didn't feel guilty about having a good dinner with friends that night, in fact, i think the distraction really helped!

#10: don't give up! this is a tough one, and again, it's different for everyone. some women have a miscarriage and decide that it's best for them they take a break from trying to get pregnant, and focus on something else. others jump right back on the horse! for me, it was important that i continued taking my prenatal vitamin, I didn't want to lose any time. it had taken us 8 months to get pregnant, only to miscarry 2 months later, and i didn't want to have to wait another 8 months. if it helps, consider this: women are more fertile after a miscarriage, because your body is already prepared to house a fertilized egg! many women get pregnant shortly after a miscarriage, but take the time to decide if that's what you want! taking some time off could never hurt, it just depends on what feels best for you. you'll have to weight the pros and cons yourself.