Katie Lately

several weeks ago, i was hanging out one night with McKayla and Chloe and we discovered THIS! queenlacie bought my print! And posted about it! And everybody loved it! And everybody bought it! It was the coolest thing. I'd never had anything like that happen to me before, and it was a really proud moment!

 

A random afternoon we spent at the Strawberry Marina with my family - it was pouring rain all day so we were stuck in the tailer, but Scar kept us all entertained!

 

my little sister is the cutest mom.

 

one of my favorite photos of Coop. he's so weird and awesome.

 

okay. go ahead. make your judgements. but this album has been in my car since it came out, and i don't think it will ever be replaced. i love taylor swift. i have tried to fight it in the past, but the truth is. i love her. and i think she's cool.

 

sometimes being a supportive wife means hanging out at the climbing gym until 1am while your husband installs security cameras. luckily derek was there to help him, and derek's wife pieper was there to keep my company!

 

and now, too many car selfies with my dog. the end.

Ashby's | 2014

Like we've done in past years, we got together with our friends, The Medley's this fall and took each other's family photos! We love the Medley's so much - they are some of the most genuine people we've ever known and they are always great company! Not to mention, their adorable daughter Ellie who is always entertaining, and Lynn's amazing cooking! I loved the way these turned out, and I'm excited for next year!

Playing Hooky

Shortly after we found out I was pregnant, we set our first appointment with the Doctor for the first week of November. I told Devin we should just take that whole day off and celebrate - we had tried for 8 months for that baby - it was worth celebrating! Turns out, there were some conflicts for that day, but we picked a day later in the week and both requested that time off of work. After I miscarried, we decided to keep that day set aside. We knew we'd need a mental health day once the physical and emotional pain began to subside, and I'm SO glad we did. We spent the day in salt lake and had the greatest time! It was just what we needed to get through the last leg of the miscarriage. I am a huge supporter of mental health days. Everybody needs them!

 

We started the day at Gourmandise for breakfast. If you know me, and don't know Gourmandise... you don't know me. Ha! We've stopped here on several mornings in the past, but usually just for pastries and hot chocolate to go. I was excited looking at their menu and had such a hard time choosing! I ended up eating this creme brulee oatmeal with creme fraiche, berries and sugared nuts. It. Was. To. Die. For. Ask Devin, I haven't stopped talking about this oatmeal since. I even started putting whipped cream in my oatmeal at home, and it's absolutely delicious but not quite the same, haha! I also got the spinach feta croissant - not a good mix with the oatmeal, but I love savory foods for breakfast. Sometimes, sweet stuff is too much that early in the morning (but that oatmeal with worth it). I've never had a disappointing meal at Gourmandise.

 

Next, we drove a few blocks over to The Leonardo for Body Worlds. I went to this exhibit for a class in high school and I remember being completely fascinated by it. I have never been interested in anything medical. I even close my eyes during surgery scenes on Grey's Anatomy - the stuff grosses me out. Not gonna lie, I had my moments in the exhibit - it's a little overwhelming! BUT, I think anyone who can make it should see this!! It's absolutely amazing. I don't think there are words to describe how interesting and educating this exhibit is. Just go. GO! So the story is... Gunther van Hagens is this German anatomist who invented this process called Plastination in the 70's-80's. It's basically a vacuuming process that preserves the human body to maintain... well, everything. It's FASCINATING. Even if you're kinda grossed out by this kinda stuff like me, it's SO COOL. I'm just amazed that things like this exist. Anyway, he invented Plastination and then started accepting donations (as in, human bodies after people died) and started curating all of these pieces. There are several full bodies, most of them in really cool poses, like sports stances, dance poses, and even layers of muscles folded out (kind of like the picture above) so you can see absolutely everything that goes on inside our bodies. Then there are body parts, limbs, hearts, lungs, brains... everything. And there are also some pieces made completely of blood veins. Perfectly maintained in their form. Augh it's so hard to explain. Google him, or google Body Worlds and you'll get it! It's AMAZING. I had to keep reminding myself during the exhibit that they are all REAL BODIES. REAL PEOPLE. Pretty sure the only thing artificial on them were eyeballs, but some of them still had their own. I just.. it's amazing. Please go see this.

 

We got there a little early and noticed some buses outside and we asked one of the people working there if there were high school students in the exhibit. When she said yes, we decided to kill some time at the other exhibits while we waited for them to go through, haha! We went to the "scary science" and it's definitely made for kids, but it freaked me out! Devin laid in this coffin and I wouldn't even get close! Gives me the heebie-jeebies!

 

After the exhibit, we drove around the city. I told Devin and I had never been up to the Capitol Building so we drove up - it's beautiful! We kept going up behind and made our way to Ensign Peak! We weren't really equipped / didn't want to hike all the way to the top, so this was the Vista something or other just below, but still! That view! Utah has terrible air quality, but it's still gorgeous.

We finished our afternoon in Salt Lake with lunch at corner bakery. Devin had been before and loved it so much, so I really wanted to go. I love going to new restaurants because I'm more inclined to try something different, which I did. This salad and sandwich were so good! I wish there was a Corner Bakery further south! Think Kneaders meets Paradise Bakery time infinity with way better food, and that's Corner Bakery. So yummy.

Substitue Parents

A few... months (haha) ago, My sister and her husband went out of town for their anniversary, and Devin and I watched Scarlett! It was so much fun to have her around, even though she is constantly on the move! She even got to hang out with my nephew, Ben, who she shares a birthday with, for a little while and they were so cute playing together! Aunt Kelli also came down and we took Scar out to lunch with us. We love Scarlett so much and even though she's a troublemaker, she can basically do no wrong. Oh, and Coop loved having her around too! They fought over toys and played all day long, it was adorable.

supporting actress

I thought maybe we were a bit overdue for an update on our life in general. Enough of the beauty posts, Katie. We get it. You found your niche. Message received. I haven't done much actual life updating lately, so here we are. I haven't been particularly busy or exciting lately. Some yoga classes here and there, rewatching the entire Gossip Girls series when I have spare 45 minute intervals (I've actually started watching them one half at a time because I just don't have 45 minutes to sit down and pay attention), and some intermittent baking.

We did get a new car, I guess that's pretty exciting. It's a dark blue / gray Jeep Compass that sometimes looks purple and sometimes almost brown, but black at night. We named him Crosby. He fits into our little fam way better than that hybrid ever did. Speaking of little fam, we've been trying to house train Cooper the last couple months. So instead of putting him in a pen in the kitchen, we let him roam around, and he's probably eaten an entire set of tupperware, and about 25% of my jewelry collection by now, but it's getting better. A few books have been shredded and he has this weird obsession with finding all of the socks he possibly can and scattering them around the house. Not even ruining them in any way, just leaving them everywhere. He has also eaten approximately 6 sticks of butter. It's a lot of fun. I think he's starting to get the hang of it, and we're starting to learn what we can and can't leave in his reach, but it's been an interesting process. I think we're almost there.

Devin has been all Momentum all the time. He is there every single day doing basically everything. He's got his hand in ever single detail and decision in that gym, and as tiring and as stressful as it is, it's also really cool and I know he feels empowered and fulfilled and accomplished at the end of every day. In our wildest dreams, we never imagined Devin would be given the opportunity to open a gym this early on, but it's been the biggest blessing to our life! He works with some truly amazing people that have all become so important to me, and I'm glad these are the ones he spends his days with. Devin is going to be the coolest boss, I'm sure. His role is so much more involved than I imagined. He is buying envelopes and clocks for the office one day, then unloading two tons of foam flooring from a semi truck, then he's in conference calls with Bulgaria, and training his new staff. He's all over the place! It's been hard to figure out how I can help him, but I know it's somewhere between hanging out at the gym until 1:00am while he installs security cameras and making sure he comes home to a clean house and a good dinner. Having this gym is turning out to be a huge adjustment for our life, but we're planning accordingly and I think we're starting to get it down.

I guess this part of my life is where I play the supporting actress. And I'm good with that.

Products I Keep at Arm's Reach

Okay this time, I wanted to tell you about the products I keep at arm's reach when I'm getting ready. I had the genius idea to repurpose this ikea spice rack and hung it promptly above the towel ring to store my products. Our bathroom didn't come with any shelving, just 3 drawers and a linen closet. So this was a creative win for me, but I think I need a second one now.

Anyway, I use almost every product on this shelf almost every day, or at least often enough that I need it there and not buried in the linen closet with the hydrogen peroxide and replacement toothbrushes. I didn't want to fuss with it too much, so there's a few products you can't even see in this picture, but I'll link everything, don't you worry.

Starting left to right:

Redken Pillow Proof Blow Dry Primer | So you spray this in your hair when it's wet and it protects your hair against heat and helps it dry faster, which is huge for girls with thick hair like me.

Clean & Clear Deep Cleaning Toner (Sensitive Skin) | I always feel like the stronger the astringent smells, the better it's supposed to work. This has been in my routine for years, and I feel like it tightens up my skin (in a good way). I've been using the Sensitive formula lately because I've been rehabilitating my skin from an awful breakout that hasn't gone away since April... let's not talk about it..

Matrix Oil Wonders | I'm a hair oil connoisseur - I love using hair oil (just on the ends!!!) after each wash. I feel like it keeps my ends healthy and gives my hair a finished look when it's styled.

Urban Decay "All Nighter" Makeup Setting Spray | Face hairspray. I've talked about this before. I generally only use a setting spray for days when I want to look my best for upwards of 14 hours, I usually don't worry about it on work days, but this stuff keeps all my product in place!

Not Your Mother's Beach Babe Texturizing Sea Salt Spray | If you haven't heard everyone rave about this stuff, you're probably living under a rock. I finally gave it a try when I saw it at Ulta and noticed how cheap it is (like, $2) and now I spray some in my hair after I curl it to keep it from looking too polished and preppy. I like the messy beach wave look better.

Redken Control Addict Hairspray | I am not a hairspray user. But some situations require it. This giant bottle will last me probably 5 years, but it's fantastic. It doesn't leave a crusty buildup and it really doest hold.

Up & Up Dual-Treatment Moisturizer (Clean & Clear Dupe) | I needed a new moisturizer, and it was just luck that I found this one (a brand name dupe from Target) that also has salicylic acid in it for acne treatment, because again, I'm still fighting off this skin problem I've had since the spring.

Secret Cocoa Butter Deodorant | I hate deodorant. I hate that deoderont smell. But this stuff. This stuff just smells like shea cocoa butter lotion. And I haven't used anything different in probably 5 years.

Macadamia Healing Oil Spray | Another amazing oil spray. I got this one in my birchbox one month, but I keep it in constant rotation. I don't like the smell, it reminds me of old people, but it works so well, and does the same job as my Matrix oil.

Not Your Mother's Clean Freak Dry Shampoo | I picked this up at Target because I love the beach babe spray so much, I figured their dry shampoo had to be on point. I was wrong. I hate this stuff, but it's what I've got right now and it was cheap. It smells bad, it doesn't come out of the bottle easily and it leaves way too much texture behind. But it'll do for now, and I don't have much choice because I use dry shampoo 2-3 times a week!

Mario Badescu Drying Lotion | This. Stuff. So it's a spot treatment for blemishes and it follows that same rule as astringents for me because the smell is so strong it makes my eyes water but I love it because it means it's working. You DONT SHAKE THE BOTTLE. The ingredients are supposed to be separated. You dip a q-tip all the way down to the pink clay at the bottom and then apply it directly to blemishes and go to sleep. It reduces size and redness over night and sometimes clears your blemish completely! It dries you out a little though, so moisturize after you rinse it off in the morning.

Philosophy Purity Cleanser | I've talked about this before too. My bottle's almost empty, that's how much I love and use this stuff. It's so simple and gentle but I feel like I really get a deep clean. Can't complain about it!

DIY Toner | I wanted to talk about this stuff in a separate post, so I probably will. I made this. It's a toner. And it smells super gross, but I don't think it'll ever leave my skin care routine. I have loved using natural alternatives to products lately, and this is my favorite one so far. I still use my Clean & Clear toner, but I always use this one, too. It's a mix of products you can find at the grocery store! More later!

Kroger Oil Free Eye Makeup Remover | Nuetrogena knock off. You can get this stuff anywhere. It's the best and most effective way to remove eye makeup without hurting yourself. I use this every single night. I have the Kroger brand version, which you can get at Smith's, and I also use the Target brand one.

Chapstick Medicated | If you know me at all you know this is my holy grail. The one and only chapstick that fulfills my every need when it comes to lip moisturizing.

My Baby

How do you spell a big sigh? Because that's how I want to start this post.

I was that girl growing up. The one making file folder games and babysitting fliers. The one volunteering to watch all the neighborhood kids during Relief Society activities. I was the one that always wanted to play "house" and always wanted to be the mom. Even as a teenager and young adult, I still gravitate toward the kids in a group setting. I'd rather play patty cake than talk politics. Sitting at the kids table generally doesn't bother me. When we were called as Nursery Leaders in our first ward as a married couple, we mostly got condolences. I didn't get it - it was exactly what I wanted. I felt too young and out of place in relief society. Hanging out with toddles for 2 hours? That is right up my alley.

I was that girl, dreaming of motherhood, in my childhood. And I was that wife, who never thought it was too soon to start trying. It took a year or two for Devin to come around, and I'm glad it did, because I wouldn't trade these years of just us for anything, and I think we really needed it. But when he finally did come around, we were full force baby mode. It was all baby all the time. We talked about it, texted about it, emailed about it. We had lists of names drafted up and maternity plans in place. So we started trying.

A month or two went by - it was normal. The hormones from the birth control probably just needed time to get out of my system. Then three or four months went by... and I couldn't hide my frustration. Mother's Day was awful. Lots of stress set in around this time with family issues and endless catastrophes - I think it was taking a toll on me. Months five and six came and went - devastatingly. I wrote one day "you know when you go to a sporting event and they start throwing wadded up t-shirts into the crowd, and you're standing up and waving your arms and yelling but you never catch one? that's what I feel like God is doing with pregnancies right now."

Month seven was one for the books. Everybody else was getting pregnant or having a baby. I wrote "seven months had come and gone. it didn't seem like it had been seven months until I stepped back and counted them out. the kind of thing where you don't notice any change it happening because you're living through the change every day, and it's so subtle when you're up close to it, but you take a step back and whoa, it's been a long time. more than half a year. almost a full term pregnancy. seven months. i wasn't sure what to do next. just keep going? persistence? is that all it was? i wasn't sure what other options i had. the onset of depression was... inquisitively demanding. and truly, very depressing. nothing is more depressing than depression. it was all encompassing. it insisted i sulk. it angrily yanked my energy from my very being, and it stripped me of my motivation. it robbed me of any sense of accomplishment, and it wore me down until i was dull. literally, my span of emotion was so short and melancholy, I had become boring. I lacked interest in... everything. I was so painfully aware of the emptiness inside of me. I was hollow."

And then came month 8. Saturday, September 27th. Devin was out of town for a school trip and wouldn't be back until the next day. A series of unfortunate events had happened that morning, and I was miserable. I was a few days late, but I didn't want to take a test without Devin, and I had taken enough pregnancy tests to know I didn't want tangible evidence of my unpregnantness. It was too hard. But that morning, I snapped. I just had to know. I stormed out of work early, and chugged a water bottle on the drive home - walked straight to the bathroom and took a test.

Do you know how agonizing those 3 minutes are?

I finally peered over the counter and saw the result: "pregnant". I dropped whatever was in my hands. I collapsed onto the bathroom floor and sobbed. I was finally pregnant. Finally. I couldn't believe it. I got up onto my knees and said the most grateful and humbled prayer of my life. My cheeks were burning, I was smiling so big. I was the happiest moment of my life. I couldn't wait to tell Devin.

The next month was so exciting. I was anxious to see a doctor - My OBGYN doesn't see pregnant patients until they are 10-12 weeks so I had awhile before I could go in, but that didn't stop me from checking pregnancy apps daily, reading all the books, making all the lists, and doing a little shopping. We told family and began telling close friends. It was such an exciting time! It was finally my turn to do all the things I had watched so many other women do! It was finally my turn! It was also fun to see people announce pregnancies that would be due right around me! That blessed day, May 31st! It didn't seem too far away. I wanted that baby in my arms already, but I wanted the pregnancy, too. I was totally content with spending the next 8 months or so growing a baby. It would be worth it.

On Sunday, the 19th of October, I was 8 weeks pregnant on the dot. It was time for family photos - we had been trading off with our friends, the Medley's for 3 years now - Devin and Jared are both photographers, so taking turns behind the camera was a really efficient way for all of us to get updated photos every fall. We wanted to use these photos to announce our pregnancy and got some really cute shots. We were so excited! We would wait to announce until after our first ultrasound, but the little stuff like this made it all seem more real, and kept us from getting too anxious.

On Wednesday, the 22nd, I began having complications. I'll spare you the details - they're personal and inappropriate. In a panic, I rushed to my doctor's clinic after being advised by the medical assistant to do so. Devin met me there. I was trying to stay calm, but I broke down as soon as I saw his face. There is this weird thing that happens to you as a wife, when you're trying to get pregnant. You start to feel really responsible, and there's a lot on your shoulders that you're being counted on for. I knew it wasn't true, but I felt like a failure. There was that man, and his baby wasn't okay. And I was in between them. He was so collected, and kept me at ease.

We spoke with a doctor (not my doctor, but a different one in her office) and at first, he made me feel dumb for even going in. that all of this was normal this early, and I was probably just fine. You could tell he's calmed down many a first time mama. He explained why things like this happen, and why they're considered normal. I felt like I was wasting his time, but I still felt nervous. He then went on to talk about miscarriage. I didn't pay much attention, because I wouldn't be miscarrying. I just wouldn't. We tried for 8 months for this baby, there was no way we were losing it, we hadn't done anything wrong. We were ready for this, we wanted this. It was finally our turn. I wasn't having a miscarriage. Plus, my symptoms weren't nearly as bad as the ones he was explaining. They drew some blood to check my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels, and I went back a few hours later for an ultrasound.

I was so excited to get an ultrasound! The news we'd be getting one that day completely lifted my spirits. I wasn't supposed to have one for 2 more weeks, so I thought it was a bonus I'd get an extra one! First she checked my uterus, then my ovaries. Then moved onto the baby. I noticed it as soon as it popped up on the screen. that was a baby, no doubt. My baby. I knew it. But my first thought was that it seemed small. I didn't worry about it though because the baby looked great! We couldn't hear the heartbeat, but we could sure see it! The baby was practically bouncing, it's heart was beating so fast and strong! The ultrasound technician was making me feel uncomfortable though. She kept making frustrated noises and telling me to hold my breath, don't move. When she finally spoke, she said the baby was measuring almost 2 weeks behind. She was measuring my baby at 6 weeks 4 days, but I was without a doubt 8 weeks 3 days. I didn't feel like that was a problem. I'd be find to push my due date back, whatever. Small baby doesn't necessarily mean unhealthy baby. They sent me back to work and said they'd call me with bloodwork results. One things she said, in passing, really stung. "The baby just might not be thriving" - I imagine that's how moms feels when they are scolded for their parenting style.

I went back to work and not long after, noticed my symptoms getting worse. I called and left a message with the medical assistant, and as I was walking out to my car at 5:00, she returned my call. She said "I spoke with Dr. Robinson and unfortunately, the symptoms you are describing are more consistent with miscarriage." and that's when my heart sank, to a place it's stayed ever since.

Devin was supposed to be in class that night, but when I called and told him what the doctor said, he decided to come home. There wasn't anything we could do until Friday, when we would get more blood drawn to compare to the blood we had drawn that day and see what was happening with my HCG levels. With pregnancy, they are supposed to at least double, each week. I was hopeful, but doubtful at the same time. I didn't know how to feel.

Friday came and we went to the clinic once again. The medical assistant told me that she could draw my blood, but if she did, I wouldn't get results back until Monday. She said she could send an order down to the hospital and we would get my results back before the end of the day. So we drove down to Outpatient Services for more bloodwork. The nurse there was nice, but not nearly as gentle, and she took twice as much blood. I was so dizzy and not feeling good (I think my limit is one vile. That second vile gets to me!) I was so embarrassed, but I was so sure I was going to pass out. Luckily, I didn't and was able to pull out of it, but I was not feeling good at all! We got some food and then headed home to take it easy. It was only 4:00, we were driving on the freeway and my doctor's office called. Devin turned the radio down, and I braced myself. The medical assistant very calmly explained to me that my HCG levels from Wednesday were at 8700, and today they were at 6800. A sure sign of miscarriage. Tears were rolling down my face and Devin reached over and grabbed my hand. He knew. The nurse kept talking to me, but I wasn't listening. I felt bad for her, because it was obviously not a call she wanted to make. I knew she knew I was crying. I eventually hung up on her.

We got home and sat on the couch. We still hadn't said a word. We just cried. Eventually I turned to Devin and told him I felt calm. He nodded his head. We started calling our parents and siblings and telling them the news. It was tough. Right when I thought I had made my last call, I realized I hadn't spoken with my dad yet. I burst into tears. I've always had a special relationship with my dad, and I didn't want to have to tell him bad news. I hated the thought of having to do it, but as soon as he picked up the phone (right as he was dialing me, ironically), he knew exactly what to say. He talked me down, and I sobbed the whole time. He made me feel so much better, so validated, and everything he said to me will stick with my forever. He told me that I am a mother to that child, and that I won't get to raise that baby here, but I will eventually. He told me that that baby will always be a part of my family. Dads always know just what to say!

Oddly enough, Devin and I decided not to cancel our plans that night. We still went to the dealership like we had planned, to look at trading in one of our cars. We still went out to dinner with friends. We had a good time, we were happy and really enjoyed ourselves. Maybe that's mostly because it hadn't really hit us yet. I was so glad we had the weekend to process everything though. The pain started that night and got progressively worse over the next several days. I took most of that week off, and spent most the time in pain. I had so many people stop by and spend time with me, bring me meals and small gifts. The smallest things were the biggest gestures to me. I had so much help and so much support. And it made everything so much more manageable. [I remember on Thursday, in between blood draws, having no answers and feeling so vulnerable and scared, I stayed home and put myself on bed rest. I wasn't dressed, I hadn't even looked in the mirror that day, and my doorbell rang. When I looked through the peephole, I burst into tears. Standing there, completely unannounced was my sister, McKayla, her baby Scarlett and a bag of treats and presents to cheer me up. It was the sweetest thing, and I still cry thinking about it! I also remember multiple days, being comforted by my sister in law Chloe. She was at my house almost every day, bringing meals, pain medication, heating pads, advice, stories, and whatever else I could have possibly needed. She sat with me through the blood draw that Devin couldn't make it to, she drove me around, she sent me flowers, and she stayed up with me late almost every night, texting and talking and making me feel leaps and bounds better than I ever would have without her.]

It still didn't feel real. I mean, I was in pain, that was real. But because I was so early on in my pregnancy, and I wasn't showing, and I wasn't having terrible pregnancy symptoms, and I hadn't seen a doctor, I didn't really feel pregnant to begin with. I felt the same as I always did.So it didn't feel real when I lost the baby either. It still doesn't. I feel like I have moments of realization, that hit hard and knock the wind out of me, but part of my feels like it never happened. That sounds horrible, but it's hard to explain. It's like losing something you never quite had.

I've had blood drawn almost every other day since my complications began, to follow my HCG levels down to a negative number (you shouldn't have any in your system unless you're actually pregnant.) And the physical pain has finally subsided. I have been waiting for the reality, the emotional pain to hit me (I'm sure it will be much worse than the physical pain, which is truly saying something!) but it hasn't yet. Or maybe it won't. I still struggle with it a lot. Especially on Sundays, my turnover days, where I counted my weeks to. Today is hard. It was supposed to be my first official "i'm pregnant" Doctor's appointment and my first ultrasound. I'm supposed to be 10 weeks 2 days today. That's hard. And I have hard moments. I'm back to the "everyone is pregnant but me" blues, and it's not a fun place to be. But I know it will get easier with time, and it helps that I have an adorable little angel in heaven that can't wait to meet me one day!

My baby isn't like your baby. My baby isn't in my arms, or even in my belly for that matter. My baby is already in heaven. But that doesn't make my baby any less my child, I don't think.