13 Weeks

when devin and i were trying to decide what photo to post to announce the pregnancy, we had a few ideas and tried them all out! ultimately, we both loved the carabiner picture, which we ended up using, but this was one of my other favorites, as cheesy and overdone as it is! And I'm a crazy dog mom, so of course I had to incorporate cooper somehow in some of these!

+ today I'm 13 weeks, 5 days

+ still no bump, but i'm getting anxious! i think i've begun that "in between" stage women talk about, where you don't look pregnant, but you've got some extra bloat, and your clothes just fit awkwardly, and nothing looks or feels right!

+ baby's as big as a PEACH

+ second appointment was this week! we weren't supposed to go in until 14 weeks, but my doctor is out of the office that day. we had the option of seeing someone else in her office, but opted to move it up a few days so we could see her. She's just so great. If anyone is looking for a new OBGYN, Pediatrician, or family doctor (she does it all!) go see Dr. Shelley Savage at Grandview Family Medical Center in Orem/Provo (she's right on the hill on state street). Dr. Robinson in her office is who we dealt with during my miscarriage, and he was so great, I'd recommend him, too, if you'd rather see a male Doctor, but man, that Shelley! She's the greatest. She feels like a friend, and she doesn't make anything weird or uncomfortable. She never makes me feel dumb for asking all these stupid first time, overly worried mama questions. I'm sure it's this way with most doctors, but when I feel like freaking out, and's she's just calm and collected, it reminds me that all this is normal, and she knows what she's doing! She's delivered hundreds of babies, so I totally trust her. She is so easy going, I just love her. ANYWAY... this week's appointment wasn't very exciting. We got to hear the heartbeat again, which is my favorite sound in the world! It was at 152, which is perfect. And we also set our appointment to find out the gender for just a few weeks away! We are so excited for that!

+ my appetite hasn't changed much from the very beginning... i don't have hardly any appetite at all, so when something sounds even just kind of good, i'm all for it! i've been worried that i'm not eating enough or getting enough nutrients to the baby, just because i'm hardly eating. smells have also still been really strong and mostly bad haha. i try and eat cold foods so i don't have to smell anything, and devin's been so patient with my eating habits over the last three months, he is the greatest to put up with so much from me!

+ i'm pretty uncomfortable. and i know this lack of comfort will change and be different when it's about my size, but for now, it's more just that something is definitely different and i just don't feel the same. i don't feel like myself. throughout the year as we tried for a baby, i remember trying so hard to pay attention to my body and catch on to small cues and symptoms and never felt like i could. i didn't feel like i was very "in tune" - but i think something changed because i've started to notice every little thing, and i'm happy for that! i've been having some round ligament pain, and that's been real fun, and that commonly continues through the 2nd trimester, so I guess I'm in for it! I'll take this over feeling like i'm about to puke any day, though!

+ thought i was done with the morning sickness, but thursday, i was hit with one (hopefully) last, huge, wave of stomach flu-esque nausea. Probably just because the first trimester wanted to leave me with something to remember it by. how sweet. 

The Worst Critic

My sister in law posted a photo on her instagram account over the weekend and it had the best caption i've read in a long time. She talked about how after the picture was taken and she looked at it, she immediately started criticizing herself and listing off a bunch of reasons why she'd never post that picture online. Then she realized that was a terrible reason to not post a picture of a sweet moment with her little family. She mentioned that the things she says to and about herself? She would never say that to somebody else - so why is it okay to say it to herself? I loved that!

It's so, so hard to go through any social media feed and not compare your life to somebody else's. And even though we all say it all the time, it's still hard! But I think if we make a small effort, every day, we'll all feel a little bit better. I know there's a lot going around about women needing to support and love other women - but we also need to support and love ourselves, too!

So here's me, making an effort!

Over a year ago, I threw out my birth control, and Devin and I began trying to get pregnant. A few weeks later, my skin broke out worse than I had ever had (including my puberty years!) - and after the switch to no birth control, followed by pregnancy, followed by miscarriage, followed by another pregnancy - my skin hasn't seen much improvement and I have been so self conscious about it ever since. My hormone levels were all over the place and they took it out on my skin! I hate the way I look, I hate the acne scars on my face that never seem to go away, or even get covered by my foundation, and I hate that I am still breaking out on occasion. So it's hard for me to even be at home without makeup, because I am so self conscious about it - posting these pictures (even with a b&w filter!) is a big deal to me!

But I would never, ever, look at another girl with skin problems and tell her the things I tell myself as I put my makeup on in the morning! So... why do I say those things to myself? For every flaw I can find in myself, I could probably also find something cool or unique, if I cared to try! Couldn't we all? That's the point! What a waste of time and emotion to tear ourselves down like that.

We are our own worst critics. The time I spend standing in front of the mirror worrying about the tiny details of how I look? Yeah, other people probably won't even notice those things that I spend all day being self conscious about. Because guess what?! Nobody cares as much as you do, or as much as you think they do! And not in a mean way, that's just the way it is. It honestly makes me feel better!

And all the things we all know about social media, but tend to forget the second we see another post that gets a rise of envy out of us: nobody has a perfect life. Not your little sister, not your favorite fashion blogger, not even the celebs you follow. They don't.

But we don't use social media to showcase our flaws! How many selfies do you think that girl took before she got one she felt comfortable posting? And how long do you think she spent in a photography app editing that image before she posted it?! You think her house is always clean?! I doubt it, but I bet she spent all morning cleaning it, and was so happy and proud that she took a picture to document it. Those are the things happening in the moments before that picture is posted that we all do, but don't show. I know I'm that way, so why would I be the only one? I'm not! There's no way!

The point is... we need to be nice. To each other. And to ourselves.

Amen.

Weeks 9-12

last year, when we started trying for a baby, i started a journal, and have stayed very diligent in writing about everything. i wanted to share a recap of what i remember and wrote down about these earlier weeks, so here are some summaries, week by week.

9 WEEKS | I felt so far along! I had never been this pregnant before, haha! The nausea was still going strong, and I was starting to notice that maybe I had had a pregnancy craving: a roasted chicken casear salad from Paradise Bakery! I had eaten this for lunch at least twice a week for the last month, haha! I'm glad it was a salad, and not like, a giant burger and frieS (although, nothing satisfied me like JCW's a couple times!), but it was funny to notice how picky I had become about food.

And smells! Ooooh my gosh, smells. Everything smells strong. And everything stinks. Some nights, I would slather peppermint oil under my nose just so I could sleep because the smells from dinner in the house were keeping me up, but the oil would make my nose so cold, and that kept me up, too! So we've been lighting a lot of candles at our house lately!

Toward the end of week 9, we told our parents we were expecting! We went on a triple date to dinner, and I showed them the ultrasound photo! Devin's parents were shocked, but my parents had a hunch that's what the night was all about! I thought I had been so sneaky, but they saw right through me! My mom had been onto me for WEEKS! She would question every baby thing I would pin on pinterest (even though I pin baby stuff all the time!), but they were so excited nonetheless. It was so fun to tell them!

We also told our siblings that night and the next morning, and then slowly started telling friends. We also found out Sean and Chloe were having a BOY during this week! Yay!!! So far, we've had mixed guesses about what people think we'll have. All of the gender predictions say I'll have a boy, but almost everyone thinks it will be a girl. I honestly don't have a preference, I'll take either!!!

 

unrelated photo, but we actually bought this onesie several months ago while we were still trying, before the miscarriage, even. Devin is a die hard Pearl Jam fan, and he converted me quickly! 

10 WEEKS | We finally had our first appointment!!! It seemed like it took forever to get to 10 weeks, and I was so excited about finally seeing my doctor, I love her! I didn't even think about the fact that they would be drawing blood until the night before, so I was actually mostly nervous.

My stomach was in knots knowing they would be drawing at least 4 viles of blood. During my miscarriage, I had my blood drawn a LOT. Every few days, they would draw a vile, and at one appointment, they took 2 and I nearly fainted. So I knew 4 would send me over the edge, and even just typing this is making me feel queasy!

We spent the beginning of the appointment talking to the nurse and doctor, asking ridiculous questions that I'm sure she rolled her eyes at, and then we got to hear the heartbeat. It probably took her 3 or 4 minutes to find it, which is a LOOOOOONG time. I was so nervous and scared, I was sure she was going to tell me something was wrong. This was too good to be true! But right as I was about to say something, I heard the little thump thump thump and both Devin and I began smiling ear to ear! Dr. Savage was so funny, giving the baby a hard time for giving her a hard time. (See what I mean by this kid is already a stinker!?) But oooooh my goodness. That heartbeat is the most magical, beautiful sound in the world. She let us listen as long as we wanted and even let Devin record the sound, and I have listened to it multiple times a day ever since. It really is the sweetest most amazing noise! Baby's heartbeat was at 175! So strong! This was the best day ever.

at 11 weeks, baby was the size of a lime!

11 WEEKS | I started sleeping with a pregnancy pillow. The one I have is boppy brand and comes with 3 parts you can velcro together. I have just been using the long part that goes between my knees and I sleep so much more comfortably with it! It's so soft!

By this time, I was starting to get really uncomfortable. Still nauseous, not feeling like myself, and starting to get depressed about not loving this pregnancy. I wanted so badly to be one of those girls that just beamed about it, loved every minute, and felt so connected to her little babe, but I just wasn't any of those things and it made me really sad and frustrated. I had tried for so long to get here, and not loving it made me feel like I was being ungrateful. I guess it's just different for everyone, but it was hard to feel that way! I held out hope knowing that all this could change by the second trimester!

At this point, I wasn't showing at all, but sitting in a desk all day at work, mixed with bloating, mixed with nausea and a stretching uterus, with my jeans pushing up against it all basically meant jeans were starting to work their way out of my wardrobe and I bought 1 pair of maternity jeans (comfy, but almost accentuate my non-existent bump that's actually just bloat that mostly just makes me look bad...) and 1 pair of maternity leggings. I'm wearing almost all regular clothes, still though (with the exception of those two pants).

This week, Devin was on a looooong school trip, and I hated not having him at home. I also had my first crazy pregnancy dream! My mom and I went on a double date to Ernie's (you know, the little sports deli in Orem?). Her date was Blake Shelton, and mine was Luke Bryan. I don't even like Luke Bryan! And he was even a jerk in my dream! ha! I also had another dream where Devin and I were babysitting Will & Kate's princess baby. Yeah, it was a girl (is she pregnant with a girl right now? I don't even know). Oh, and Kate Middleton wasn't Kate Middleton, Blake Lively was Kate Middleton... she was the sweetest person! haha

I also became pretty convinced my prenatal vitamin is what's been making me feel so sick! I'll be switching next week to something different, and hopefully that will help!  I took this entire week off from Momentum Athlete, just from feeling so sick and not wanting to push it. I decided I'd pick up again in the second trimester, banking on the chance that I'd be feeling better by then!

12 WEEKS | We started getting very anxious to tell people and publicly announce the pregnancy! We had resolved to wait until 13 weeks, knowing I may actually only be 12 weeks, which is when most people announce. It was getting so hard, and we started thinking what could it hurt?! So we posted our announcement on Instagram and Facebook at 12.5 weeks!

The nausea had started to settle down by this point, but it is still there! Our next appointment is on the 31st, and we get to hear the heartbeat again! I am so excited, I loved the last doctor's appointment and they're just going to get more exciting as I get further along! I can't believe we're only a month away from finding out the gender!

Devin has been a DREAM. He has put up with SO much. My moody hormones, my crazy appetite, my sleeplessness, my nausea... he knows how bad smells bother me, so the other night when he wanted to make bacon, he took the griddle outside and plugged it in on the patio to cook it! haha He is so, so excited and always asks how the baby's doing, I love how happy and excited he is.

At first he was calling the baby joey, not as in a boy's name (he's actually convinced it's a girl), but like a baby kangaroo! haha but lately he's been calling the baby a little fox. We have acquired several fox baby things, and plan on decorating the nursery with a Fantastic Mr. Fox theme. Since we will be moving in August, we won't get to do any nursery things until then! I hope I can hold out that long!

I started making a list this week of all the things I'll need for a baby and it is soooo stressful and overwhelming. I was texting all my sisters a million questions to get their opinions and I'm so sure I'm going to forget so many things! Babies require a LOT of things. Big things. Things that only do one thing. So if you have any suggestions on brands, must-have items, anything like that, let me know! I need all the help I can get!

Weeks 5-8

last year, when we started trying for a baby, i started a journal, and have stayed very diligent in writing about everything. i wanted to share a recap of what i remember and wrote down about these earlier weeks, so here are some summaries, week by week.

5 WEEKS | I was starting to feel nauseous, it wasn't just during certain times in the day, it was pretty much just a dull, constant feeling of being sick to my stomach. My appetite really changed, and I didn't necessarily start having cravings or aversions, it was just mostly that nothing ever sounded good, but when something did, I wanted to eat it!

I was on a bit of a high, and thinking about my little sesame seed sized (!!!) baby got me through the long days at work! I still just couldn't even believe this was happening.

at 5 weeks, the baby was the size of a sesame seed! i remember being so psyched about that, but now it seems SO tiny!

6 WEEKS | Devin and I started the workout program at the gym called Momentum Athlete. I was excited to have a class to go to, that would keep my active throughout the pregnancy, and was glad Devin would be doing it with me! Our trainer, Cass, was the first person we told about the pregnancy. We needed him to be in the loop so he could make sure I was being safe, and he would have me moderate some of the moves, without letting on to the rest of the class! I was much more confident in working out, knowing my trainer wouldn't let me do anything that could potentially harm the baby, so I'm really glad we told him, even though it was so early.

The nausea was still basically constant, and by this week, I was already fed up with it! I remember one night feeling so sick and so uncomfortable. Nothing would give me any relief, and I was just laying in bed, crying, and Devin gave me a quick blessing. It was short and sweet and made all the difference. It is one of my favorite moments about my pregnancy so far. I feel so blessed to be bringing a baby into a home that is guarded by the priesthood, and a worthy father that can bless both the baby and myself, at a moment's notice. It means so much to me that my kids will have a father that can protect them in ways that I can't.

I also told my boss that I was pregnant this week, because my nausea was keeping me from work! I felt like such a baby, but taking a day off when it got too hard ever couple weeks has been my saving grace! I don't know what I would have done without that extra rest, and she was so understanding, and still has been awesome about it all! Even now, I still wonder how women do this! It's hard to work full time and be pregnant! If anybody has any tips for getting through an 8 hour day, please let me know! It still hasn't gotten much easier!

cooper has that animal intuition, and he definitely knows i'm pregnant, and has from the very beginning! he's always been a mama's boy, but he's been especially clingy to me ever since the baby. he has also started resting his head on my stomach, which he had never done before, but now he lays like this almost any time i'm laying down. i call it "sibling bonding time" haha he's gonna be a good big brother!

7 WEEKS | I was having a lot of anxiety by this time, as we approached 8 weeks. I miscarried at 8 1/2 weeks with my last pregnancy, and was so, so nervous about that happening again.

This week, one of my best friends, Danica, had her baby. I remember thinking how fast it went by! It seemed like she was just telling me her news and here she was in labor! That gave me tons of motivation and hope that I could make it to October!

Toward the tail end of this week, I had a major sushi craving (not necessarily blaming the pregnancy for this one, because sushi cravings have always come and gone!), but I knew sushi and raw fish consumption were a hot topic with pregnancy. Devin and I went to Kobe, our favorite sushi place, and sat at the bar where the owner, our friend Mike was making sushi. We told him I was pregnant, and craving sushi and he hooked me up with delicious, safe to eat, OBGYN approved rolls! He gave me a lot of information and things to think about when it comes to eating things like sushi while pregnant, and I definitely felt just fine eating a few rolls!

first ultrasound! that teeny tiny little blur is our baby! at 8 weeks, the baby was the size of a raspberry!

8 WEEKS | This week was Valentine's! We spent the weekend in Logan skiing and it was so much fun! I had my first official morning sickness moment, just a few hours after we got home, and threw up my breakfast from that morning. I haven't thrown up since (mostly just because I absolutely hate throwing up and avoid it at all costs - it's actually pretty impressive, the lengths i'll go to just to avoid puking!), but I do gag and dry heave almost every day (especially when I brush my teeth), so that's really fun!

At this point, we also made a Pregnancy Verification appointment with the Fetal Foto Studio in the Southtowne Mall in Sandy. Chloe had sent me a coupon and for $25 they would do an ultrasound, listen to the heartbeat and give us a few pictures!


drinking water to try and fill my bladder in the food court - i was so mad and felt so sick!

I have to write this story down because it's so hilarious! We really wanted to do this pregnancy verification appointment because both Devin and I were still having such a hard time believing all of this was really happening! We knew we would feel better after getting an ultrasound. My OBGYN doesn't see patients until 10 weeks, and doesn't do an ultrasound until the gender check, which would be at 16 weeks at the earliest! So we knew $25 was worth it to reassure ourselves that this was real! When you're this early on and you get an ultrasound, they ask you to do in with a full bladder, so they can see your uterus easier, or... something. I knew this because I had an ultrasound the day I found out I was miscarrying in October, and they asked me to come with a full bladder, just like the Fetal Foto Studio did. So I avoided going to the bathroom all morning and drank a bunch of water on our way there.

When we got there, the place looks pretty... sketchy. And tacky, haha it looked like a preschool! I thought it was a little strange, and felt pretty weird about it, but whatever. It was $25, and I wanted to see our baby! After a few minutes the... "doctor" came out. He was wearing jeans and a scrub top and smelled like strong cologne. He said "I am European doctor from Lithuania." - in a very thick accent. He spoke very broken english and it was funny, but also so weird! I laid down on the table and he spent several minutes trying to find the baby, with no luck. He finally pulled my bladder up on the screen and scolded me, saying it wasn't full enough. He kicked us out! hahaha he told us to go to the food court and drink some water and come back in half an hour. I felt so dumb, and all of this was just so weird!

It was only 10:30 but Devin was starving so he got some Japanese food and I got a 32oz ice water and drank it as fast as I could. I was feeling SO sick and the cold water was making me shiver. I was miserable! Finally at 11:00, we went back and he found the baby almost right away. He was also much more pleased with the size of my bladder, which is the giant, dark blob on the left side of the picture, haha! We only got to hear the heartbeat for a few seconds, maybe 4-5 beats, and it was at 140, which he said was perfect for this stage.

He said he was measuring the baby to be only 7 weeks, so exactly 1 week behind. Part of this makes sense, and I'm not going to be surprised if they push my due date back a week, because it did also take 5 days to get a positive pregnancy test! But also... this guy was a weirdo, and I don't even know if he's a real doctor, so what does he know?! I have also heard it's very hard to accurately measure that early, because moving the mouse by just a hair can change the baby's age by a week or so! I guess we'll find out in a few weeks for sure, though!

This appointment was worth it for us, just to be reassured, and to tide us over until our first real appointment, but it was so weird and shady that I don't know that I'd ever go again! It makes for a funny story, though! Oh my gosh, he also said that the baby's face LOOKED LIKE A GIRL.... what. It's face? That tiny blurry blob looks like a girl to you, doc? Alright, crazy...! hahaha! (we told our real doctor this a couple weeks later and she thought it was hilarious! she said she isn't so sure that guy can be trusted with much...haha!)

Also at 8 weeks, I passed the place I was at with my first pregnancy, before I miscarried, which was 8 weeks, 3 days. I spent that entire day on eggshells, just feeling so nervous (even though I knew even if I were to miscarry, the likelihood of it happening at the exact same stage again were pretty slim, i just couldn't help it. It was a hard day.) But I passed it, and things have been so far, so good!

Finding Out

At the end of January, we were in St. George vacationing with Devin's family. The day before we left,  a Wednesday, I was supposed to get my period, and didn't. After nearly a year of tracking my cycles, I had become pretty predictable, and being off by a day wasn't that weird. I expected I would start Thursday, the day I was going to St. George. Devin had some stuff going on at work that weekend and wouldn't be coming down until Saturday morning, so I rode down with Sean and Chloe and expected to start some time that day. Thursday morning, when Devin and I woke up, I decided to take a test, just to settle my mind before the trip. I had made up my mind that if it was negative, it was a sign, and I would try focusing on something else for awhile, and "stop trying", just so we could have a break from the exhausting routine of trying and waiting, trying and waiting.

I remember my heart pounding out of my chest as I walked into that bathroom that morning, and staring at the test as it blinked, processing, which was a little uncharacteristic for me, since usually I couldn't bear to watch!

Not Pregnant. 

I took a deep breath and went back to bed. I wasn't going to cry. This was a sign. Let's focus on something different. Let's get our minds off of it for awhile. This isn't the end of the world. I didn't have to say anything, and Devin knew, and when he rolled over and put his arms around me, of course, I cried! I just got it out of my system and then got back up a few minutes later to finish packing and head to Sean & Chloe's.

All day Thursday, during the drive, settling into the condo we were staying at, and dinner: nothing. I thought that was a little odd, but attributed that to the miscarriage. It had only been two months, and I'm sure my body was still struggling to get back to a routine. It had to be that. 

Same thing on Friday: nothing! I was starting to get so confused, and texted Devin to pack some pregnancy tests, so I could test when he came down the next day, just to be sure.

Saturday came and went, and still no period. Devin had arrived that afternoon, just before lunch, but I knew I would want to wait to test until the morning (it's supposed to be the best time to take a pregnancy test, because that's when your HCG levels are highest). I resolved to wait, even though I was so confused and curious!

Sunday morning, I took a test, and it went about the same as Thursday, pounding chest, staring contest with the small screen: Not Pregnant. 

WHAT?!?!

At this point, I was so confused. This was getting weird. Something wasn't right? Did I need to call my doctor and tell her? Was this something to do with the miscarriage? I tried not to think about it and just move on. I'd worry about it when we were home again. We were having such a great trip, and I didn't want to miss out on the fun worrying about what was going on!

The rest of Sunday AND all day Monday, still nothing. At this point, I was 5 days late. Devin's parent's left on Monday and it was just us, and Sean & Chloe with Ben left at the condo. 

On Tuesday morning, we all woke up early to leave, so we could be home by lunch. Devin got up before me to shower and get ready and when he came back into our room, he pulled another test out of his bag. He asked me if I wanted to take it, and I laughed and said it would be a waste! He gave me a "it couldn't hurt" look, and I grabbed it and went to the bathroom. "I'll humor you!". 

I set the test on the counter and went on with my morning routine, while Devin got ready beside me. After awhile, I looked down at the test and did a double take. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 

PREGNANT. 

I held up the test, "DEVIN." as he looked over and read the result, his eyes got huge and he swooped me up in to the biggest hug and I burst into tears, "I don't know if I believe it!" 

We were SO happy, and really truly just couldn't BELIEVE it! 

Over the next few weeks, I took every test I still had at home, just because both Devin and I were having the hardest time believing it. It was so surreal. Every test was positive, and it slowly began sinking in! 

When we found out, I was 4 weeks, 5 days. We were able to calculate the due date pretty easily (that's the kind of stuff you get good at after a year of trying, haha): October 1, 2015.

It seemed like almost immediately after we found out, I started getting sick, haha! The entire drive back home, I was feeling nauseous, and continued to feel sick the entire first trimester! 

I am exactly 4 months behind my sister, Kelli, who is having a little girl in June, and about 6 weeks being my sister in law, Chloe, who is having a boy in August! I'm so excited this baby will have cousins their age, and so happy I've got my sisters to keep me sane and teach me everything I need to know about pregnancy!

This kid is already getting a reputation for being a little stinker, so I think we're in for it, haha!

We're Having a Baby!

Devin and I are SO happy to finally share our news! We are so excited to become parents, and can't wait to meet our sweet little babe. I don't think we've ever been happier! I'm currently about 3 months along, and due on October 1st!

I have been writing almost every day about the pregnancy and my thoughts on motherhood in my personal journal, so there are a lot of things I am anxious to share on here in the coming weeks! 

inventory | 04

Making: a yarn pom garland for my christmas tree (i knew i would need an early start!)

Cooking: absolutely nothing. #wifefail

Drinking: all the water. all of it. and diet coke. even though they switched to paper cups #why

Reading: Love Taza archives-she's my hero. (eleanorisms! can i clone her and keep a copy for myself?!)

Wanting: some sleeeeep (feeling so sleepy today, and it's 2:30! what.)

Looking: through the clearance sections at Target (I always find hidden gems!)

Playing: blasted two dots. every new level is the hardest level ever. and i always swear i'll never pass it.

Wasting: post it notes

Wishing: Dev had some cell service.

Enjoying: warm spring weather, and more daylight (thanks, daylight savings)

Waiting: for Devin to get home (he's been gone all week!)

Liking: his pillow better than mine.

Wondering: what i'll wear tomorrow... hmph. 

Loving: my new color block mousepad from this cute etsy shop 

Hoping: i'm doing everything right. in general.

Marveling: at how sore my arms are after yesterday's Mo' Athlete workout! ouch!

Needing: some fresh baked something in my kitchen...

Smelling: the stinky dishwasher - blehck!

Wearing: the same jeans i wore yesterday.

Following: my dog to the mailbox. he always leads the way!

Noticing: how quickly my nail polish is chipping :-/

Knowing: the girl scout cookie purchase i'm going to be making is inevitable.

Thinking: about our plans for the year.

Feeling: anxious.

Bookmarking: inspiration for the baby shower i'm throwing my sister next month

Opening: my march birchbox. i love getting these each month. so many new products to fall in love with.

Giggling: over coop's efforts to wake me up this morning. it was hilarious and so sweet at the same time.

Life, Lately

Our days have been so busy the last few weeks, that it's hard to take the time to write things down. Especially since when I do feel like writing something down, I've been doing so in my personal journal lately. That book is filling up so fast, and my blog posts are lacking - I just can't seem to find a balance! I haven't felt the need to share things about my life publicly in the last few months, I guess.

Devin and I started a training program with the gym called Momentum Athlete and it's been so fun to go together, and with other couples from the gym that we've become close friends with over the years. The workouts we do are comparable to crossfit, and I roll my eyes at myself as I say this, but I am really starting to get the hype. I feel like I understand why crossfitters are so in love with crossfit! It's so empowering to lift giant, heavy barbells, and do a million box jumps after a million burpees. I've never felt stronger! And even though we've only been going for just over a month, we've already noticed major improvements in our endurance, strength, stability and stamina. It's been so cool! I love going with Devin, we motive each other to try harder, or even just to finish our reps! Even though it's so hard to wake up at 6am, twice a week, it's totally worth it by the end of class when we're collapsed on the ground, totally exhausted, but full of endorphins! 

Devin is out of town once again on another school trip this week. He's backpacking upwards of 40 miles through the Paria. He's been anticipating this trip for so long now, I can't believe it's here, but I always forget how much I hate having him gone! I know he's probably having an awesome time, and hopefully it feels like a vacation to him, because I know he could use one! I don't know what I'd do without Cooper around to keep me company though! That, and the dozen movies I've already watched (and he doesn't get back until Friday)! It's hard when Devin is gone, but he's doing awesome things, so I don't have much room to complain!

I started a new job in December, and I don't think I've mentioned that on here yet, but I'm now working for a securities company (real estate investment, not like, security systems... I always feel the need to explain that. No, I don't work for Vivint!), that's owned by one of the owners of Momentum. Devin and I work in the same building! It's been slow going, but I really like what I do and the days always go by so fast! 

Mostly, life's been pretty good to us. The weather has been surprisingly warm for this time of year, which I really think has made all the difference! We have been planning all our trips for the year and we are excited to travel to Glacier National Park, Arches National Park, and also spend several weekends in the Uintas! It's going to be a good summer!

Girls Guide to Miscarriage

**I found this post in my drafts and as I read through it, I decided I still really wanted to post it! Miscarriage is something you'll carry with you forever, so even though I feel like I have moved on, and I'm in a much better place now, I still want to share my thoughts and advice on how to handle this difficult time! This post was written probably just a few weeks after I found out I was miscarrying.**


There doesn't really seem to be a sure-fire way of getting yourself through a miscarriage, but I wanted to share some things I learned that really helped me make it through this last month as I've dealt with the loss of my pregnancy. Keep in mind that i'm just trying to be lighthearted, not offensive! Some of these things seem silly and unnecessary, but I truly believe they all made the last several weeks bearable for me.

#1: don't do anything alone. devin came with me to every single blood draw but one. and the one he missed, i asked my sister in law to come with me. i'm really terrible with needles and doctors and blood - all of it makes me really uncomfortable. having devin there to hold onto while i got poked made it much easier, and chloe was very distracting when she came, which was a huge help! it was nice to have physical moral support in those situations. i would have hated to go alone, even after they became such a regular thing. it's hard to ask for help, but in this situation, i'm glad i did.

#2: do absolutely whatever you have to do to feel better, cheer up, and be more comfortable. this is a pretty broad one, but i had lots of examples of this. first of all, i took as much time off work as i needed. my work was pretty understanding for the most part (there were a few problems i ran into, but that will be different for everyone's situation so i won't go into it). i stayed home. i didn't shower, i didn't get ready, i didn't put makeup on, i didn't change out of my pajamas. i made the decision to focus on resting. i wasn't doing this to mourn, i did it so i could rest. and i'm so glad i did. miscarriages are extremely, so i slept whenever i could, for as long as i possibly could. and then there's the day i wore my wedding shoes to the doctor's office. it's the little things.

#3: be conscious of your company. i loved having McKayla and Chloe come up and bring their cute kids. it was such a perfect distraction. and even when they came without their kids, it was so nice to have company. if i was sleeping, i wanted to be alone, but if i was awake, i didn't like being alone. devin was in the thick of opening a climbing gym so his schedule didn't have a lot of room to take time off, and having other people around made me feel better. benny was so funny with these headphones on. i loved having him and scarlett around to keep my mind off everything. on the same note: don't feel bad asking people to leave! company can wear you out quickly, and if you've felt your friends and family have overstayed their welcome, politely tell them you'd like some rest or some time to yourself. they'll understand!

 

#4: say yes. i'm usually a pretty independent person, and i don't like people going out of their way to help me or do things for me. it makes me feel like a project or a burden. but in this situation, i knew i couldn't do it alone, so when people offered to visit or do things for me, that i was comfortable with, i let them. i didn't want to leave my house much, and i didn't want to be around people i couldn't feel comfortable with, but outside of those stipulations, i let people help me. and i'm glad that i did. the visits, the small gifts, the meals, the drives... they all made a difference. i needed that kind of support. your family and friends won't know what to say, but they'll know that being there for you is enough.

 

#5: don't neglect your kids. hahaha this is the crazy dog mom coming out of me, but i think the same goes for if you already have children, and you've experienced a miscarriage. cooper has always been able to read us pretty well. we can tell when something is wrong, and he always gets a little sad and snugly when i'm sick or upset. he was by my side the entire time i was home, off work. poor guy! just because i was cooped up in the house, i didn't want Coop cooped up, too! we made sure we took him to the park and he still got his fill, even though we were going through a lot! look how sweet and sad he is, haha. i love this dog so much.

#6: don't expect people to know what to say. and honestly, don't take offense if they say something that you wish they wouldn't have. miscarriages happen so often, but they're never talked about! i don't know why, but that makes it this weird, taboo thing, that nobody really knows how to handle. so no, nobody is going to know what to say to make you feel better. and that's okay. chances are, they're going to try, and they'll probably screw up and say something that stings a bit (for example, the "at least you know you can get pregnant!"....), but just know they are trying to help you feel better, not hurt your feelings. keep an open mind. if you have to, tell people not to talk to you about it. or just be honest and tell them that you don't want to hear things like that right now, even if they may be true. this one's a personal thing you'll have to figure out on your own what works best for you.

#7: talk about it. the second i decided to share my experience on social media, i immediately felt 100x times better. i had felt so alone and like such a minority, but as soon as i shared my story, so many friends and people i knew came to me and shared similar experiences and just said nice things to me, and i can't even tell you what a difference it made. and also, the connections i made with friends and strangers!!! that's something i'll always be grateful for. a few weeks after my miscarriage, i came across the blog post of a girl who had also miscarried, and we began exchanging emails back and forth about our experiences and honestly, talking through it with her and hearing what it was like for her was such a relief! i had a friend! someone who really knew exactly how i felt! it was amazing. so don't be afraid to share your story, you'll be surprised what good you can do for yourself, and for others!

#8: stay religiously on top of your pain. i think it's common knowledge that there is physical pain associated with miscarriage, and i think that physical pain ranges for every woman, but there is pain! in some cases, a doctor may prescribe you something for it, in others, you're left on your own. i was taking a rotation of ibuprofen, tylenol, and asprin to keep my body on it's toes, so it didn't get complacent with anything, and i was taking it within a half hour of the allowed dosage suggestion on each bottle, each time. it's a hassle to take meds around the clock, which is why i mention this, because it's worth it. i also spent most of the time laying down, usually on a hot pad, to help relax my muscles as they contracted and cramped. i also took a small hot rice pack with me in the car (or turned on the seat heater) whenever we drove anywhere.

#9: give yourself a brake. don't force any emotion on yourself. i was a little all over the place, and my emotions seemed to change every few minutes, but i just followed them. i would be crying one second and laughing the next, and i just did whatever felt best for me in that moment, and i'm glad i did. i think it helped me heal faster than if i would have pushed myself to move on, or even held myself back with grieving. the day we found out about the miscarriage, devin and i cried at first, but then noticed how ultimately calm we felt. we didn't cancel our weekend plans (keep in mind, this was mostly before the pain set in!), and we didn't feel guilty about having a good dinner with friends that night, in fact, i think the distraction really helped!

#10: don't give up! this is a tough one, and again, it's different for everyone. some women have a miscarriage and decide that it's best for them they take a break from trying to get pregnant, and focus on something else. others jump right back on the horse! for me, it was important that i continued taking my prenatal vitamin, I didn't want to lose any time. it had taken us 8 months to get pregnant, only to miscarry 2 months later, and i didn't want to have to wait another 8 months. if it helps, consider this: women are more fertile after a miscarriage, because your body is already prepared to house a fertilized egg! many women get pregnant shortly after a miscarriage, but take the time to decide if that's what you want! taking some time off could never hurt, it just depends on what feels best for you. you'll have to weight the pros and cons yourself.