Some Things About Pregnancy

18ish week bump

it makes me feel guilty to admit that pregnancy has not come easily to me. i wanted it for so long, and i know so many women who would give anything to have this pain and discomfort and worry and stress - i know, because i was one of them. but that doesn't change the fact that the pregnancy i had imagined, the way i had glorified this process in my mind, is not how it has happened for me so far. sure, i'm only half way, and things could change, but it's still been really hard. i had so many expectations in my mind, so many things i set out to do and be once I was pregnant and they just aren't happening. 

it's not all bad, not at all. there's not much i love more than looking down to see a little growing bump and staring at this baby girl's tiny profile in the sonogram hanging proudly on our fridge, but pregnancy hurts. and it's tiring. and it's hard. there are so many things about pregnancy that you could never have prepared for, so many things that you can't read or hear about from other women - so much of it that you'll just have to wait and see for yourself, and that's really overwhelming! so no, pregnancy isn't easy. but i have never once questioned if it was worth it, because it absolutely is. and i know that will only become more true as time goes on.

it's something that changes as you go from being a woman to being a mother - your life isn't about you anymore, and it starts with pregnancy. this body isn't mine right now - it's a vessel to carry this sweet baby. everything my body is doing, it's doing it for her. my hands and feet are always falling asleep because my blood flow is concentrated on her, not on me. i'm already finding it difficult to get a good deep breath, because my lungs and organs are moving out of her way, to make this space as comfortable as possible for her. and i already have to pee about every 30 minutes because she wants to sit on my bladder, and that's okay, because that's her territory now. i'd do it for her anyway. even my body knows that it's all about her now, and it's put my needs aside.

and that's how it should be. that's pregnancy. and ultimately, that's motherhood. it's the single most selfless thing anyone could ever do - become a mother. and it's something i'm sure i won't even fully comprehend until she gets here. it's something i pray for every night - to be a good mother. to adjust to the selflessness. to always remember why i do this, why i did this, and why i'll do it again and again. but i'm not going to spend this pregnancy (as tiring and painful as it can be) worrying about the weight i'll gain, or the swelling or stretch marks i'm sure will come. i'm not going to sit here and hope for selfish things, because that is so stupidly far from the point of all this. i don't care if she's 5 pounds, i don't care if she's 10 pounds. i don't care if she's 3 weeks early or 3 weeks late. i just want her here safe. i want her here healthy. and i'll do anything to make that happen. anything. and i know she'll do it on her own time. she knows better than me. my body knows better than me.

it's not about me.